Apple to turn NY’s Central Park into giant walled garden

New York, NY — How much does the Big Apple love Apple? Apparently, enough to turn over the reins to Central Park.

Enamored with Apple’s ability to create a happy environment by exerting totalitarian control — dubbed a “walled garden” by some — NY mayor Michael Bloomberg has enlisted the tech giant to turn Central Park into a real-world walled garden.

The new park, dubbed Apple Gardens, will open on January 1, 2011.

Keeping out the riff-raff will be a 6.2-mile, 16-foot glass wall that runs along the park’s perimeter. Visitors will be welcomed through the main gate by gleeful Apple employees — once they’ve paid the $99 annual subscription fee. (Family Pack: $149.)

“New Yorkers are going to fall in love with Apple Gardens,” said a jubilant Mayor Bloomberg, “as long as they follow the rules.”

Imagine: even the Strawberry Fields memorial in Central Park will become part of Apple Gardens

In Apple style, the rules will be plentiful. There will be a dress code, language code, behavior code and picnicking code. Footpaths and lawns that fail to meet Apple standards will be off-limits to visitors. And, of course, Apple reserves the right to eject any visitors it finds annoying.

“We’ll do everything we can to make sure people have an enjoyable day, whether they like it or not,” said an Apple spokesperson.

Developers are invited to create fee-based attractions and concessions for the park, providing that they can first endure a torturous inquisition. Apple will reward surviving developers by taking a 30% cut of their fees.

Apple Gardens will also feature a 200-foot-long Genius Bar where visitors can receive free advice, maps and basic treatment for corns and blisters, up to one year from their first park visit. An extended three-year GardenCare plan is available covering a range of podiatry issues.

Needless to say, Google will not sit idly by and watch Apple revolutionize our public parks. Negotiations are already underway to turn Golden Gate Park into Google Gate Park. In direct contrast to Apple’s walled-garden approach, Google’s park will extend a warm welcome to all — including muggers, pickpockets, drug dealers and rapists.

17 Comments

  1. Jack Daniel Taylor |

    I was so pumped when I heard about this.

    I would love to go, and I am elated to pay the subscription fee. But I found out I can’t enter the Apple Garden gate. I am still running Mac OS X 10.4 Tiger. You must have Leopard 10.5.8 to enter.

    🙁

  2. Mr. Reeee |

    Great idea!

    Biking around the Central Park is treacherous with all the terminally oblivious tourists crowding us locals out!

    If anyone could do it, Bloomberg could!
    Where do I send my $99?

  3. ObamaPacman |

    App Store don’t charge admissions.

  4. ArrowJ |

    This seems a little fishy to me…I’m not sure New York would allow Apple to wall off the entire park…maybe part of it, but it’s a public park paid for by the tax payers money.

  5. BlindLightbulb |

    LOOK ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    UNREAL APPLE NEWS!

  6. FeatherBrain |

    According to the pigeons, there’s a crap for that.

    • boobookeys |

      win

  7. Lee |

    Tel me ArrowJ: do you really take these articles seriously, or are you just pretending to? Sadly, I suspect it’s the former. 🙂

  8. Tom |

    Yeah thats kinda funny if you’re taking this seriously ArrowJ

  9. nl_123 |

    What’s wrong with taking the articles seriously? this is a serious web site with very serious information on serious apple products. I read all the articles on this site and i take all of them very personally and seriously!

  10. Train-Spotter |

    I checked it out the construction today – there’s already a bunch of graffiti all over the glass – what were you thinking Apple???

  11. Poopoo |

    We’ll do everything we can to make sure people have an enjoyable day, whether they like it or not —> LOL

  12. Poopoo |

    There is an article in my architect magazine, previewing their “all white and minimalistic” design concept for the public furniture (like the benches, street lights, pavement,etc) that goes for children playground as well, like white swings, white slide, white monkey-bars, white see-saws, white merry go-rounds….

  13. up0 |

    hahaha! This is the “onion” of apple news. By the way, I would try the google gate park just for fun!

  14. Abramsm79 |

    We have found a hole on one of the crystal walls and developing a exploit to let in the muggers, pickpockets, drug dealers and rapists, im pretty sure they wil fit with the rest of the population. And the best of all with out paying.

  15. FaaizK |

    I’m gonna jailbreak into this park whether they like it or not…

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