Apple to turn NY’s Central Park into giant walled garden

New York, NY — How much does the Big Apple love Apple? Apparently, enough to turn over the reins to Central Park.

Enamored with Apple’s ability to create a happy environment by exerting totalitarian control — dubbed a “walled garden” by some — NY mayor Michael Bloomberg has enlisted the tech giant to turn Central Park into a real-world walled garden.

The new park, dubbed Apple Gardens, will open on January 1, 2011.

Keeping out the riff-raff will be a 6.2-mile, 16-foot glass wall that runs along the park’s perimeter. Visitors will be welcomed through the main gate by gleeful Apple employees — once they’ve paid the $99 annual subscription fee. (Family Pack: $149.)

“New Yorkers are going to fall in love with Apple Gardens,” said a jubilant Mayor Bloomberg, “as long as they follow the rules.”

Imagine: even the Strawberry Fields memorial in Central Park will become part of Apple Gardens

In Apple style, the rules will be plentiful. There will be a dress code, language code, behavior code and picnicking code. Footpaths and lawns that fail to meet Apple standards will be off-limits to visitors. And, of course, Apple reserves the right to eject any visitors it finds annoying.

“We’ll do everything we can to make sure people have an enjoyable day, whether they like it or not,” said an Apple spokesperson.

Developers are invited to create fee-based attractions and concessions for the park, providing that they can first endure a torturous inquisition. Apple will reward surviving developers by taking a 30% cut of their fees.

Apple Gardens will also feature a 200-foot-long Genius Bar where visitors can receive free advice, maps and basic treatment for corns and blisters, up to one year from their first park visit. An extended three-year GardenCare plan is available covering a range of podiatry issues.

Needless to say, Google will not sit idly by and watch Apple revolutionize our public parks. Negotiations are already underway to turn Golden Gate Park into Google Gate Park. In direct contrast to Apple’s walled-garden approach, Google’s park will extend a warm welcome to all — including muggers, pickpockets, drug dealers and rapists.


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