Apple turns on iCloud data center, plunges nation into darkness

Malden, NC — Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for the power grid.

With great fanfare, Apple has switched on its massive iCloud data center in North Carolina — and sucked up half the nation’s electricity.

Fortunately, the U.S. Department of Energy has a “workaround.” Starting today, all citizens will be required to forego electricity every other day so that Apple can continue to dazzle us with the magic of iCloud.

The country will be roughly divided in two, with “energy days” alternating between each half.

“Our energy resources are not infinite,” explained U.S. Secretary of Energy Dr. Steven Chu. “With Apple’s cooperation, we’ve worked out a system that will help all of us survive while our Address Books and music libraries stay in sync.”

Sources tell us that a DOE “energy priority list” will minimize disruptions. Vital services — hospitals, police, fire departments and Apple Stores — will get power every day, while citizens are asked to sacrifice.

Secretary of Energy Dr. Steven Chu: "We think it's a good trade-off. We lose power every other day, but all our stuff stays in sync."

As a public service, Apple is issuing an iOS5 update that will use Location Services to automatically sense what zone you are in and offer a reminder to recharge your iDevices the night before you lose power.

Full details of the plan will be made available shortly in a cleverly designed DOE booklet entitled iThings, Energy & You. Production is slightly delayed because the presses can only operate every other day.

For those who require more than 24 hours of continuous iPad use, Apple’s press release suggests the iPad XL, which is impervious to energy blackouts, brownouts and unexpected failures. Apple would not comment on the possibility of an iPhone XL.



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