Beyond Beats: Apple spends another billion on cool

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Apple CEO Tim Cook, already feeling the influence of his new Chief Coolness Officer, Adam Saperstein

Cupertino — Finally tapping into Apple’s vaults of cash and bullion, Tim Cook is pulling out all the stops for what he’s dubbed “Project Cool.”

On the heels of the $3.2 billion acquisition of Beats, Cook is spending a cool $1.3 billion to acquire 24-year-old Adam Saperstein, an unemployed street artist in New York’s Soho district.

According to his buds on Bleecker, Adam has always been “pretty f**king cool” — and Cook is betting big that his coolness will restore vitality to Apple’s moribund work environment.

“Adam’s job will basically be to walk the halls in Cupertino and let his coolness rub off,” said a source inside Apple. “He’ll dress cool, share his music, tell us what TV shows he likes, that kind of stuff.”

Saperstein faces a nearly impossible challenge right out of the box. His first job will be to work on Tim Cook’s wardrobe, grooming and speaking style, in the hopes that Cook can better connect with those under 30. Even under 40 would be a step forward.

“I’m already speaking their language, bro,” says Cook.

Apple officially lost its cool on April 4, 2013, when it became “more than three years” since Apple’s last revolution, the iPad.

Though the company continues to siphon billions from people who used to be cool, it’s the currently-cool crowd that holds the key to Apple’s future.

“Project Cool should pay off big inside Apple,” says Morgan Stanley technology analyst Allen Cobbman. “Not just in facial hair, but in vending machine content and slang used in meetings.”

Saperstein himself is thrilled to have a job — any job — and the $1.3 billion is just icing on his cake.

Reached for comment, he would only say “jazzed 2 b the apple guy. think i can keep my galaxy s5?”

 

2 Comments

  1. Anonymous |

    >>“more than three years”

    Oh, my sides.

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