Beyond Multi-Touch: get ready for mind control

Cupertino, CA — Thinking generations ahead, Apple is getting closer to perfecting a new technology for controlling all of its computers and devices, far more advanced than Multi-Touch. It’s called Multi-Mind.

It allows the user to interface with Apple technology using brainwaves — a combination of their own thoughts and those of Apple. Here’s the way it works: you think of something you’d like to do, such as finding an album in your iTunes library, and then — if Apple agrees with your thought — the process is initiated.

From what we can dig up, this technology would be much farther along by now if not for some loud and angry debates within Apple over just how far mind control should go. The original technology, as designed by Apple engineers, was very basic. It simply allowed the user to think of a command to execute it.

Steve Jobs had philosophical differences with the engineers over this. Which is to say, he beat the crap out of them. “Apple has a long and glorious history of telling people exactly what they want, and I’m not going to allow any technology to get in the way of that.”

Apple's latest patent: a new way to meld users' thoughts with Steve Jobs' thoughts, ensuring that Steve's thoughts win in the end.

It was in response to Steve Jobs’ objections that the engineers came up with Multi-Mind. Using a chip designed by Apple itself (dubbed MM4), Multi-Mind allows Apple to insert its thinking directly into the customer’s thought wave, producing a hybrid thought that is cleaner and faster than the user’s original thought.

“It’s complicated,” said our source, “but it works beautifully. I know you’ll agree.” He wasn’t kidding. Inexplicably, this reporter did agree — even though he didn’t mean to.


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