Bill Gates predicts “Apple Rapture”: all Macs to explode in 2012

Redmond, WA — That end-of-the-world nonsense was just one big joke, says Microsoft founder Bill Gates.

“May 21st came and went, and I haven’t seen a single earthquake,” he says with a laugh.

Speaking in Seattle last night, Gates dismissed Rapture believers as “wackos in a bizarre cult.”

And then he dropped the bombshell.

“The real danger we face is the Apple Rapture,” he said. “Next May 21st, every iMac, iPod, iPhone and iPad is going to explode, and a lot of people will get hurt.”

According to Gates, this terrible fate is clearly spelled out in the 16th-century Prophecies of Nostradamus. He suggests that we enjoy Apple’s products for another year, or maybe 11 months just to be safe. But by early May 2012, we should all be using Windows 7 and Windows Phone 7 products — or face an agonizing death.

“It’s a matter of public safety,” said Gates. “We’re going to work with our partners to make sure everyone can use their PC without fear of being blown up.”

Afraid that Mac will blow up in your face? Acer to the rescue

Already, Acer has announced it will support Gates’ initiative with a Trash My Mac Before It Hurts Me promotion. Those who drop their Mac at any Microsoft Store will receive a $100 credit for an Acer Aspire M3 AM3900-U4002 tower. Acer will advertise its M3 as “the computer you can live with.”

Gates’ proclamation seems to have buoyed the PC faithful. “I knew Macs were going to destroy the world, I just knew it,” says Rick Venedian, president of the Seattle-based user group, PCs Forever. “I just hope Bill takes this all the way. This is his big chance to get rid of the stupid mouse and wussy graphics once and for all.”

Some critics believe Gates has already gone too far. In particular, they cite a leaked Microsoft commercial that shows a series of Macs exploding in the faces of happy users, all set to the tune of I’m a Believer.

Apple says Gates’ theory is preposterous. However, just to be safe, the Apple Store now offers RaptureCare ($99), guaranteeing replacement of any exploded Apple product through June 21st, 2012.