Cupertino, CA — According to presidential candidate Steve Jobs, the Founding Fathers had a talent for writing constitutions — but they weren’t too swift when it comes to marketing.
Campaigning in Iowa over the weekend, the outspoken Apple CEO says that if elected, he will relaunch the country under a new and better name.
“I’m all for tradition, but The United States of America is just a mouthful,” said Jobs. “It’s 28 characters long, counting spaces. That’s not a name — it’s a short story.”
Jobs told an enthusiastic crowd that replacing our name is essential if we intend to compete globally. He tipped his hat to countries like Spain, France and Italy for having the foresight to grab names with more marketing potential.
“If he weren’t dead, I’d fire the guy who came up with the name USA,” said Jobs. “He had no taste.”
In a new post on the Jobs 2012 website, candidate Jobs discusses his thoughts about renaming the nation in more detail. Though he won’t commit to a new name at this point, he hints that he’d support a simple one-word solution — America.
“The Canadians and South Americans will have a fit, but who cares,” writes Jobs. “If their second-tier countries were that important, I’d have given them a lot more Apple Stores.”
Responding to a Government Accounting Office (GAO) estimate that it will cost over $14 trillion just to change signage in U.S. government buildings and replace all currency in circulation, a Jobs campaign spokesperson says, “Correct, and the new currency will be worth every penny.”
While some are nervous about Jobs’ proposal, others think it doesn’t go far enough. “Look, we all know where this thing’s headed,” said a customer in an Apple Store in Manhattan. “Let’s call it iMerica and be done with it.”