Cupertino, CA — If you’ve been following Apple religiously, your spirit is about to soar.
After shutting down for one day early in January, all 350+ Apple Stores will reopen as something completely different: The Church of Apple.
“It’s a natural evolution,” explains CEO Tim Cook. “We’ve given our customers a place to shop. What they really want is a place to worship.”
As part of the relaunch, some of the Apple Store’s familiar features will be reborn.
Ailing products will no longer be repaired at the Genius Bar. Instead, they’ll be healed at the Miracle Bar, where Apple Angels (formerly Geniuses) will offer personal care — as well as end-of-life counseling — for all Apple computers and devices.
Apple Theaters in the bigger Apple Stores will be redesigned as Apple Chapels, with pews replacing individual seating. Worshippers will be able to sacredly scroll along with the sermon on iPads featuring Apple’s newest app, The iBook of Jobs. (Click on image to read a sample.)
Going into direct competition with the Catholic Church, every Church of Apple will employ an Apple-certified Exorcist. For a one-time fee of $99, customers possessed by the demons of PCs or Android phones may have their evil spirits cast out.
Confessional booths at the rear of the Church will allow the faithful to gain absolution for a range of sins. (“Forgive me, father, for I have jail-broken my iPhone.”) However, Apple warns that repeat offenders will be subject to excommunication.
Customers feeling that they did not contribute enough during their visit to the Church of Apple may make use of the offering plate as they exit.