Get smart: Apple launches line of executive DNA

Cupertino, CA — It may not be in your DNA to run a world-changing technology company. But it could be soon.

Today Apple launched iGene — gorgeously packaged genetic material, freshly harvested from its executive leadership. iGene makes it possible to own the DNA of Steve Jobs, Jony Ive and, for those on a budget, Phil Schiller. What exactly can you do with iGene? Well, that’s the catch. Right now, all you can do is put it on your shelf alongside that Albert Pujols autographed baseball.

But as science advances, that could change — dramatically.

Look for iGene in the Nucleotides section at your local Apple Store

“Who knows what magical things lie ahead,” said Apple PR rep Valencia Page. “Will you be able to enhance your own genetic makeup? Grow yourself a Steve Jobs clone? With iGene, you’ll be ready when science is.”

“Bingo,” says a source inside Apple. “Cloning is the real story here. iGene will solve Apple’s line-of-succession issues forever. Instead of searching for the right people, we can just grow them ourselves.”

Like the scientists of Jurassic Park, Apple engineers had to be resourceful as they searched for materials containing the executive DNA. (See web page above.) Because the donors have limited production capability, Apple forecasts that iGene will be backordered for the foreseeable future.

iGene Steve and iGene Jony are available online and in Apple retail stores for $999. iGene Phil is priced at $499.

Copying Apple in record time is Microsoft, which now offers its own executive DNA, creatively titled MS-Deoxyribonucleic Acid. Steve Ballmer’s DNA is already going on eBay for $1.99 plus shipping (under a strict no-return policy).