Get smart: Apple launches line of executive DNA

Cupertino, CA — It may not be in your DNA to run a world-changing technology company. But it could be soon.

Today Apple launched iGene — gorgeously packaged genetic material, freshly harvested from its executive leadership. iGene makes it possible to own the DNA of Steve Jobs, Jony Ive and, for those on a budget, Phil Schiller. What exactly can you do with iGene? Well, that’s the catch. Right now, all you can do is put it on your shelf alongside that Albert Pujols autographed baseball.

But as science advances, that could change — dramatically.

Look for iGene in the Nucleotides section at your local Apple Store

“Who knows what magical things lie ahead,” said Apple PR rep Valencia Page. “Will you be able to enhance your own genetic makeup? Grow yourself a Steve Jobs clone? With iGene, you’ll be ready when science is.”

“Bingo,” says a source inside Apple. “Cloning is the real story here. iGene will solve Apple’s line-of-succession issues forever. Instead of searching for the right people, we can just grow them ourselves.”

Like the scientists of Jurassic Park, Apple engineers had to be resourceful as they searched for materials containing the executive DNA. (See web page above.) Because the donors have limited production capability, Apple forecasts that iGene will be backordered for the foreseeable future.

iGene Steve and iGene Jony are available online and in Apple retail stores for $999. iGene Phil is priced at $499.

Copying Apple in record time is Microsoft, which now offers its own executive DNA, creatively titled MS-Deoxyribonucleic Acid. Steve Ballmer’s DNA is already going on eBay for $1.99 plus shipping (under a strict no-return policy).

14 Comments

  1. Charles |

     you guys are the best. seriously, make a scoopertino app. that’d be awesome. there’s limitless potential in this site, you need to milk it dry.

  2. Ramon |

     oh the possibilities of  jail breaking

  3. Pingback: Apple launches line of executive DNA | InBeta

  4. Aniket Awasthi |

     hahahaha, you guys are superb. launch an app. its most likely that apple will not allow. also i want to know, do you really hate apple.

    • gctwnl |

      These guys love Apple, no doubt about it.

  5. guest |

     brilliant!

  6. ashu |

    Guys.. Scoopertino does not fail to bring a smile or a laugh .. AWESOME … Keep it rolling !!

  7. Crispy |

    Who invented Social Disease Networking?  Apple did.

  8. Macanudo |

    They should just hire Monica Lewinsky as an executive lab technician.

  9. TheLoneGunman |

    Whatever you do…don’t answer any job postings to work in the “Apple Cloning Lab.”   Apple is always “hiring” because the “employees” end up as brain-dead biogenetic husks in gigantic glass tubes filled with oxygenated iGoo, while Apple continues their demented research to create Uber-Executives.   When Salvador Dali’s illegitimate daughter heard about the ACL, she was quoted as saying – “The only difference between Apple and a Madman is that Apple is F****** CRAZY!!”

  10. TheLoneGunman |

    Whatever you do…don’t answer any job postings to work in the “Apple Cloning Lab.”   Apple is always “hiring” because the “employees” end up as brain-dead biogenetic husks in gigantic glass tubes filled with oxygenated iGoo, while Apple continues their demented research to create Uber-Executives.   When Salvador Dali’s illegitimate daughter heard about the ACL, she was quoted as saying – “The only difference between Apple and a Madman is that Apple is F****** CRAZY!!”

  11. AppleisAwesome |

    I would to tally get a MacBook Air than iGene Jony and iGene steve. And I would much rather get an iPad 2 than iGene Phil. What are you supposed to do with them anyways? Let them sit on your shelf or drink them and become Steve Jobs… 

  12. Ross Frazier |

    Shouldn’t that say “DNA for the rest of you.” LOL

  13. Jack Yan |

    I can be really hyperactive and need an iGene to calm me down and narrow my thinking. Any of John Sculley?

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