HP kills more biz units, relocates to Sunnyvale strip mall

Palo Alto, CA — Move over, Freddy Krueger, there’s a new slasher in town.

Just two weeks after killing HP’s tablets and phones, and abandoning ship on PCs, CEO Léo Apotheker has struck again. His target this time? Just about everything.

HP Enterprise Business: gone. HP Software: gone. Only HP Imaging and Printing will survive — though you’ll have to go hunting to find it.

HP will sell all the group’s assets except six DeskJet printers, and relocate the business to a Sunnyvale strip mall under the name HP Invent … and Print! Apotheker sees HP becoming a major player in Sunnyvale’s red-hot document duplication market.

“I believe this company can be very profitable with a receptionist and six executives,” says Apotheker, “as long as one is willing to double as the night cleaning staff.”

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To further prove his credentials as a visionary, Apotheker is eyeing acquisitions that will expand HP into dry cleaning and vacuum cleaner repair by Q2 2012.

HP’s new moves are music to investors’ ears. They’re cheering the fact that HP’s operational costs have gone from hundreds of millions of dollars to just under a couple grand.

But some old-timers express sadness that Apotheker is turning his back on HP’s grand traditions. HP spokesperson Sandy Spiels replies, “HP will always remain true to our core value — invention. It’s just that now we’ll be inventing new ways to print your church flyer or get that marinara stain off your tie.”

Apotheker’s new cutbacks ensure that the company will complete its “circle of success” — moving from Hewlett and Packard’s one-car garage to a giant global corporation, then back to a garage-sized space once again.

Ms. Spiels invites all current HP customers to come visit their new Sunnyvale address. However, she does warn visitors not to park in the space reserved for Bistro La Bon or risk being towed.


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