Washington, DC — Michele Bachmann says the press got the story wrong. She never said she had a calling from God.
“I said that I received a call from God,” said Bachmann. “We’ve been on FaceTime since I got my iPad 2.”
According to Bachmann, she’s become much closer to God thanks to Apple’s revolutionary video chat technology. “It’s been a joy to put a face to the name,” she said.
Though God can be casual and lighthearted, He did lay down two commandments at the start: always show up on time and always let Him hang up first. “I follow those conditions religiously,” said Bachmann. “The last thing I need is God in a snit.”
As Bachmann tells the tale, both she and God are reaping the benefits of their FaceTime calls. While God has given Michele such good guidance as “Go for the presidency” and “Steer clear of the asparagus this week,” He has also been enthralled by Michele’s political analysis.
“I won’t say he’s a Tea Party person yet, but I’m working on him,” said Bachmann devilishly.
Does being buddy-buddy with God make Bachmann a sure bet in 2012? “God said no guarantees… but then He did give me that little wink of His.”
Bachmann revealed that a talkative God has been addressing a number of important topics in their frequent conversations:
1. Rick Perry. God absolutely did not tell Rick Perry to run for president. He doesn’t even have Perry’s MobileMe address.
2. God’s house. God is cagey about his location, putting up new backgrounds whenever they FaceTime. On their first call it looked like Heaven, but the next time it looked like He was on a roller coaster.
3. The Bible. God is seriously considering a major re-edit. Specifically, he’s thinking of removing all that plague and pestilence stuff, and replacing it with more modern afflictions like computer viruses and cell phone radiation.
Always the showman though, God left Michele with “one more thing:” He’s shutting down the church. Thinking it wiser to cut out the middleman, God will go with a new “One to One” service via FaceTime. Ideally, this would be free, but He may tack on a small service charge to help pay for His web hosting.