iPHONE EVENT: Scoopertino live blog transcript

If you missed our live blog from Apple’s iPhone event this morning, here’s the transcript from our reporter on the scene.

9:38AM Hi everyone! Thrilled to be invited to this event on behalf of Scoopertino. Actually, I wasn’t exactly invited. Probably a clerical error.

9:42AM Crowd beginning to build. Lady Fortune is smiling upon me. Just bought a pass from some Engadget guy who said he’d rather have the money and read about it elsewhere.

9:51AM Cool. There’s Mossberg in the lobby. Looks like an Apple PR person is dictating his next post to him.

9:53AM Inside now! Should be starting soon.

10:01AM The crowd is buzzing, lots of chatter. Some guy’s walking around on the stage, probably setting up for Tim Cook. Oh wait — that IS Tim Cook. Hold on. Need to start paying attention.

10:04AM Tim is welcoming us to the Apple auditorium. “They call this Town Hall. There’s lots of history in this room. Steve Jobs verbally beat more than 250 people here, and physically beat at least 12 that we know of.”

10:16AM “Before we get going today, I want to take a time out to thank the universe for the food on our tables, the clothes on our backs and our continued domination of all world markets.” Stage hand wheels out a porta-buddha.

10:22AM A little “state of the union” first. Macs are good. iPods are good. iPads are good. Apple Stores are good. Tim’s new compensation package is really, really good.

10:26AM “I used to tell my friends that if I had a nickel for every iPhone we sold, I’d be a rich man. Well guess what — now I’m making a buck and a half for each!”

10:31AM Puts up a graph charting his wealth vs. that of Steve Jobs. “I’ve got a long way to go, but by picking the right moments to threaten the board, I think I can get there.”

10:37AM Tim seems giddy. Points out that he’s making about one Mercedes-Benz SL every eight minutes.

10:37AM Okay, we get it Tim.

10:41AM Live from Shanghai — Apple Store employees singing “We own the world” to the tune of We Are The World. Tim’s weeping.

10:46AM  Eddy Cue takes over for a look at iOS5.

10:53AM Stitched Leather theme everywhere — based on desk blotter on Tim Cook’s desk. “Apple engineers team up with world-class seamstresses.”

10:54AM Eddy gives us a sneak preview: leather-covered MacBook Airs!

10:59AM Wait. Lights going down. Something big’s about to happen.

11:03AM Holy crap! It’s Phil Schiller, wearing a giant iPhone! Crowd roars.

11:05AM Tim at the side of the stage, appearing agitated. Anyone else get the feeling this wasn’t planned?

11:07AM Phil does a little jig and begins his presentation.

11:09:AM Phil: “I know this probably isn’t the time or place, but I think I would have made a great CEO. I’ve been sucking up to Steve a hell of a lot longer than Tim.”

11:15AM Here comes the phone. Name: iPhone 4S. Phil explains they didn’t want anyone to think it was too new. Mission accomplished.

11:16AM System optimized for better porn experience. Audience temperature rises.

10:19AM Better camera, check. A5 processor, check. Faster graphics, check. But now the killer feature…

11:26AM Face Detection for Animals! Schiller is so excited, he just jumped out of his iPhone costume.

11:33AM It’s beta now, so it only works for the rodent family: mice, beavers, squirrels. In 2012, they’ll fold in dogs, cats and reptiles. Other mammals to follow, and mollusks after that.

11:47AM Tim is back. He explains that he really wanted a big musical act to end the show, but Chairman Steve told him today’s show was strictly on a budget. “That’s why we’re in Town Hall instead of Moscone.”

11:48AM The Stones were on tap again, but to save money Tim will play the harp.

11:51AM Wow, it actually sounds like Jumping Jack Flash. Can’t believe I’m going to say this, but … he rocks on that thing. In your face, Steve!

11:58AM Show’s over folks. Meet you back here for iPhone 5.



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