iQuit: Apple stops making everything it makes

Cupertino, CA —
Better hang onto that iPhone. It’s about to become a collector’s item.

Today Apple announced that it’s getting out of the revolution business. In effect, the company has decided to “take the money and run.”

According to CEO Tim Cook, Apple just faced the biggest decision in its history. Now valued at over $400 billion, with a cash reserve of over $98 billion, it could keep spending time and money creating things — or it could simply cash out and live off the interest.

“I don’t have to think too hard about that one,” says Cook.

Effective immediately, there will be no more iPhones, iPads, iPods, iMacs or iAnything. Without ever touching the principal, all Apple employees will continue to earn their current salaries for the rest of their natural lives.

Cook has already issued a memo to employees that life on the inside won’t be all fun and games. He estimates it will be about 99.4% fun and games. Those on the payroll will still be required to spend a little time logging their hours.

Already, hundreds of delivery trucks have been spotted at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters unloading ping-pong and foosball tables, music systems, telescopes, archery equipment and mechanical bulls.

Construction has begun on several Olympic-sized pools inside 1 Infinite Loop, ringed by hundreds of employee cabanas.

All Apple Stores are being converted to Apple Lounges, where employees may relax and play table games in a friendly atmosphere. At long last, the Genius Bar will live up to its name — serving wine, imported beer and signature cocktails.

Recognizing that severe change can cause confusion, Cook promises that new signage will be installed on Apple property, clearly pointing the way to designated disco areas, gyms, mini-golf courses and tanning salons. Most important, he urges employees never to forget Apple’s creative roots — challenging them to dream up new and exciting ways to fritter away their days.

However, Cook does give one stern warning: Any employee caught doing actual work will face immediate termination. Once terminated, they will lose all cabana privileges and be forced to live on 100% of their salary in perpetuity.


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