It’s baa-aack: The Apple II leads a new revolution

Cupertino, CA — Where most people see a museum piece, Apple sees a new revenue stream. The Apple II is back, in all its underpowered splendor.

Meet “the new Apple II.” (According to sources, it was almost called the “Apple II 2.”)

As Apple’s press release explains: “The Apple II gave birth to the computer industry. Now it’s pregnant again — this time with unlimited possibilities.”

The new Apple II targets two different demographic groups: those nostalgic for simpler times, and those who still don’t get what memory is.

Remaining true to its original concept, the new Apple II isn’t exactly a speed demon. Hypothetically, its 1MHz processor would take about an hour to download an average web page. But that assumes you could actually connect the new Apple II to the Internet — which you can’t.

In fact, the new Apple II is unabashedly unconnected. With no Wi-Fi, Ethernet and USB ports, there will be nothing to distract you from enjoying the best of Apple II’s two dozen apps, which include a recipe manager and an electronic checkbook.

But this isn’t your father’s Apple II. Despite the retro theme, Apple has added one very handy port that allows the user to connect a turntable or cassette deck. You can’t store music in the computer, but you can use the Apple II box to store up to 150 vinyl albums or 300 cassettes.

No aluminum was harmed in the making of this computer. The new Apple II is big on beige, with industrial-strength plastics that will dominate landfills for centuries to come.

Apple is leaving nothing to chance with the new Apple II, working with partners to seduce customers with a rich ecosystem. Intel is developing an even slower chip to power a newer new-generation Apple II. Adobe, eager to make peace with Apple, will unveil an all-text version of Photoshop.

The new Apple II personal computer will be available on May 14th, starting at $4,995. For only $49, you can get a 2-year AppleCare plan — pre-dated to expire in 1981.

32 Comments

  1. boredumb |

    huh…why not, “The New AppleII”???

  2. Tg |

    1 Ghz Processor…maybe in your wildest dreams 😉

    • scoopertino |

      Oops. That was a slip-up. Pretend you didn’t see it. Fixed.

      • ljmac |

        Freudian slip?

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  5. Joe |

    Great as usual. Just waiting for the usual “is this real?” posts. Then again, people can’t be THAT gullible, can they?

  6. Pingback: Scoopertino: Apple to Re-Release Apple II, the Computer Which Started It All [Humor] | Apple Stocks

  7. Atwater765 |

    The release of the Apple II is merely the first tangible proof that the folks in Coopertino have perfected time travel. That’s right, “time travel”. Some Apple intern has returned from 1983 with an Apple II. Mind you, this was only a “proof of concept” to determine if silicon-based technology could safely pass thought the space-time continuum. The REAL plan is for Apple to use their time traveling power to go back to those early board meetings and prevent Google executives from having a seat on the Apple Board. In the classic “what if I go back in time and kill my grandfather paradox”, this will prevent google from developing the Android operating system, the shameless iOS copy, and put an end once and for all to the patent wars between Apple, Samsung, and Google. The only difference will be that instead of killing your grandfather, Apple will have killed it’s step brother, bringing an end, once and for all, to that bastardized mobile operating sys

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  15. R Sheffield |

    Anyone want my original?

    • Someone |

      Yes!

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  20. eartchcat |

    Sounds great! I am rather nostalgic for a simpler time. A couple thousand dollars is well worth the chance to slow down and learn to live off the machine, rather than all the nonsense eye candy layers Apple loves today.

    I can’t wait to get one. By the way, I can’t seem to find this on Apple’s website, or anywhere else, for that matter. Can you provide me with the link to order one? Thanks!

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  24. Man |

    yeah, like someone would pay that much

    • Mr |

      Zactly! you could get a top of the line mac pro for that. Or a souped up Dell. Apple should get their heads out of their USB ports.

      • iu2h3ei`l2u3ergh |

        Wow, you thickheaded trolls

  25. Dnfdnfj |

    Bought it. Typing on it now. Did you know that the — ERROR. TRANSMISSION OF http://WWW.SCOOPERTINO.COM HAS FAILED. ABORT RUNTIME. —

  26. Hi |

    Scoopertino, well done. Apple haven’t sued you yet. But very funny stories!

  27. Guest |

    This more like time travel. The Apple Lisa was built in 1983 and had a GUI (Graphical User Interface) with a paint program (like the Xerox Alto) with a write program (also like the Xerox Alto) and Alto means stop in Spanish.

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