Cupertino, CA — Emergency crews rushed to Apple headquarters today in an attempt to contain a mammoth oil spill growing more disastrous by the minute.
Oil was found leaking from a 1996 Toyota Camry parked opposite Building 1 at the rate of 0.4 quarts per day.
The slick currently covers approximately three square feet of front-row parking space 12. But unless experts can find a way to stop the leak, the oil will likely spread to a second space within 24 hours.
Already this is being called the worst disaster ever to occur on Apple-owned asphalt. The 2003 “Chipotle Incident,” in which a chicken chimichanga was left splattered across a parking space opposite Building 3, is dwarfed by this week’s catastrophe.
Damage so far has been limited to one pair of New Balance 992 sneakers. Unfortunately, this footwear was the personal property of a certain Apple CEO who inadvertently stepped in the slick on Tuesday — and he’s hopping mad.
“I am holding Jiffy Lube responsible for every cent of this cleanup,” said Steve Jobs, “and they can just forget any idea they ever had of getting an app approved in the App Store.”
Jiffy Lube engineers are set to try a “side kill” early Tuesday morning. A remote-controlled roboticized socket set will roll in from the south, attempting to turn the oil drain plug tightly in a clockwise direction — theoretically plugging the leak permanently. Unsold iSight cameras will be installed near the leak to monitor sub-carriage conditions.
The potential effect of an extended crisis could be devastating. Experts worry that unless the spill is quickly restored to pristine Apple quality, vendors and visitors alike may avoid this oil-stained parking space for years to come.