Cupertino, CA — Steven P. Jobs has long been known for his legendary “Reality Distortion Field,” which allows him to stand on stage and make the most preposterous claims sound plausible. This distortion field not only works on journalists and innocent observers in Mr. Jobs’ immediate vicinity, it spreads electronically, altering the behavior of millions.
While this weapon has enabled Steve to influence thinking over 90% of the civilized world, it has not yet directly caused serious injury or death. Emphasis on “yet.”
According to a source within the Pentagon, Steve Jobs is officially licensing the Apple Reality Distortion Field™ (ARDF) to the US armed forces. First stop: Afghanistan.
Apple advisors are already on the ground north of Kabul training US and Afghan soldiers in the proper use of the distortion field, and, while they are there, answering questions about iPad. However, early reports are disappointing. The ARDF seems to be less effective in places where iPod market share is below 50% (i.e., Afghanistan) — and a sizable percentage of government troops just don’t get the iPad.
Still, there has been one very positive sign. Thanks to the ARDF, Taliban fighters are beginning to spend more time nosing around on apple.com than they are blowing themselves up.
The most serious problem encountered to date is that the Apple trainers themselves are trapped in Apple’s distortion field. This causes a “double distortion” effect when they attempt to apply the distortion field to others. Without proper safeguards, this type of dual distortion can create a “black reality distortion hole,” sucking all neighboring realities into it.
Neither the Pentagon or Apple would comment on this story.