Cupertino, CA — We all know Tim Cook is a master of operations. But a master of ceremonies? Just you wait.
Faced with inevitable comparisons to famed showman Steve Jobs, Cook is working night and day to get his act together for next month’s launch of iPhone 5. And what an act it is.
Studying under famed ventriloquist Jeff Dunham, Cook told our source he aspires to be “the best ventriloquist act of any CEO in the business.”
Cook has christened his wooden buddy “L’il Mac” — a playful technology know-it-all with a penchant for flirting with pretty ladies in the audience.
But make no mistake, L’il Mac is a puppet with a purpose. His lifelike fingers have been designed by Apple engineers to manipulate various Apple devices perfectly as he banters — allowing Cook to go places Jobs never imagined.
True to his reputation as a relentless perfectionist, Cook is on a brutal schedule to debut his routine next month. He’s got L’il Mac on his lap at every meeting.
Only problem so far: Cook isn’t very funny.
“You’d think the dummy would make these meetings more amusing,” said one Apple insider. “It just kinda falls flat. But Tim’s the boss now, so we have to force a smile.”
They’re well familiar with that feeling down in the Apple cafeteria. That’s where Cook has been rehearsing his show after hours for the kitchen staff. “I didn’t get it,” said burrito chef Carlos Alvarez. “L’il Mac kept making jokes about supply chains, manufacturing costs and labor issues.”
Assuming he’ll pick up a good writer along the way, Cook remains undaunted. “I may not be Steve Jobs, but that doesn’t mean I can’t bring something new to the party,” he said.
And, to be fair, he did say it without moving his lips.