VATICAN SHOCKER: Cardinals tap Siri as next pope

siri_conclaveVatican City, Italy — In a surprising twist to the papal drama, the College of Cardinals today elected Siri to be the next pope.

Pope Siri I assumes her duties immediately.

The cardinals’ decision is groundbreaking in several important ways. Siri becomes the first arguably female pope, the first battery-powered pope and, most important, the first truly infallible pope.


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Pope Siri’s divine guidance is based on 16 terabytes of Apple-approved data housed in the iPad-maker’s North Carolina servers.

Addressing the assembled cardinals following her election, Siri pledged to learn Latin and offer snappy new answers to age-old religious questions.

“It makes a hell of a lot of sense, if you excuse my French,” said Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria, following Siri’s election. “Siri will be the first 24/7 pope.”

But can any iPad-based pope be 100% reliable? Absolutely, assures Apple. As a gesture to the Vatican, Apple is delivering Pope Siri complete with a 10-year PopeCare plan.


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Apple guarantees that Siri will think faster than previous popes, be less likely to start religious wars and have zero interest in altar boys.

“If this pope should falter for any reason,” Apple said in a press release, “it will be replaced free of charge.”

Will Siri be the last pope? Apple says that with regular hardware and software updates, there is no theoretical limit to the length of Pope Siri’s reign.

However, critics point out that with Apple’s slowing pace of innovation, it’s possible that we could end up with the first obsolete pope — which could spawn more competition and even more advanced popes.

A rumor out of South Korea indicates that a slimmer, faster pontiff is already in the works at Samsung.


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