Wozniak to be neutered in attempt to curtail chronic buffoonery

Cupertino, CA — Heeding a chorus of demands from friends, family and colleagues, Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak will soon attempt to stop embarrassing himself.

He will be neutered Thursday, July 1st, at Stanford Medical Center.

“Really, there are only two options for a condition such as Mr. Wozniak’s,” explains Dr. Gurtaj Sukhija, chief surgeon on Team Woz. “You can attack the brain, an undertaking fraught with complications — or you can aim a bit lower.”

The Woz has built a portfolio of embarrassing moments leading up to his decision to seek treatment (click to enlarge)

While neutering is a behavior-altering staple in veterinary medicine, it is less commonly used in the treatment of humans. However, Mr. Wozniak’s condition has deteriorated markedly in recent years.

According to sources, it was Woz’s appearance on Dancing With The Stars that got the ball rolling. “That was the real wake-up call,” says one of Woz’s inner circle. “He’d embarrassed himself often before, but never in front of so many millions of people — and never so proudly.”

Indeed, it was the increasing brazenness of Wozniak’s lapses that got his associates talking about an intervention.

“If we tried hard enough, we could laugh off Segway polo matches, camping out at Apple Stores, titling the book iWoz when he had zero involvement with i-anything,” says a colleague. “But the Argentine Tango — I still have the nightmares.”

Woz himself is surprisingly upbeat about the pending procedure. “The way I look at it, this is just a great opportunity to try out some really cool technology. As a bonus, I’ll wake up a new man.”

A bit less of a man, perhaps, but hopefully a new one too.


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