Announcing App Store Express: the fastest way to give Apple your money

Cupertino, CA — After revolutionizing the industry with the iPhone App Store, then revolutionizing it again with the Mac App Store, Apple now re-revolutionizes the revolution with the App Store Express.

Magically, the App Store Express eliminates all the time that can be wasted browsing and downloading apps. How? The App Store Express has no apps. With typical Apple simplicity, you just click the Buy button and watch your money go bye-bye.

“The App Store Express is a win-win for both Apple and its customers,” says Apple VP of Internet Services Eddie Cue. “Without any apps to gum up the works, shoppers can get in and out in seconds. And Apple no longer needs to maintain expensive server farms.” Sources say that the App Store Express will be housed on a single server in a janitorial closet next to the first floor men’s room at 1 Infinite Loop.

With its familiar App Store design, the App Store Express will make customers feel right at home. Staff Picks will still be front and center, but will now feature such popular titles as MasterCard, Visa and American Express.

13 of 16 analysts polled are already praising Apple’s innovative approach. Merrill has upped its AAPL target price to $550, noting that the App Store Express “combines Apple’s two core strengths — innovation and a laser focus on customers’ wallets.”

The App Store Express is particularly well suited for mobile customers, since it consumes little bandwidth. With the App Store Express mobile App, you can send small chunks of your income off to Apple any time, day or night.

Innovative as it is, the App Store Express is only one phase in a much grander vision. “Removing apps from the equation is a terrific timesaver for our customers, but we can do better,” says Cue. “By mid 2012, we expect to launch the App Store Extreme — which will allow Apple to charge people’s credit cards whenever we deem it necessary.”