Announcing App Store Express: the fastest way to give Apple your money

Cupertino, CA — After revolutionizing the industry with the iPhone App Store, then revolutionizing it again with the Mac App Store, Apple now re-revolutionizes the revolution with the App Store Express.

Magically, the App Store Express eliminates all the time that can be wasted browsing and downloading apps. How? The App Store Express has no apps. With typical Apple simplicity, you just click the Buy button and watch your money go bye-bye.

“The App Store Express is a win-win for both Apple and its customers,” says Apple VP of Internet Services Eddie Cue. “Without any apps to gum up the works, shoppers can get in and out in seconds. And Apple no longer needs to maintain expensive server farms.” Sources say that the App Store Express will be housed on a single server in a janitorial closet next to the first floor men’s room at 1 Infinite Loop.

With its familiar App Store design, the App Store Express will make customers feel right at home. Staff Picks will still be front and center, but will now feature such popular titles as MasterCard, Visa and American Express.

13 of 16 analysts polled are already praising Apple’s innovative approach. Merrill has upped its AAPL target price to $550, noting that the App Store Express “combines Apple’s two core strengths — innovation and a laser focus on customers’ wallets.”

The App Store Express is particularly well suited for mobile customers, since it consumes little bandwidth. With the App Store Express mobile App, you can send small chunks of your income off to Apple any time, day or night.

Innovative as it is, the App Store Express is only one phase in a much grander vision. “Removing apps from the equation is a terrific timesaver for our customers, but we can do better,” says Cue. “By mid 2012, we expect to launch the App Store Extreme — which will allow Apple to charge people’s credit cards whenever we deem it necessary.”

  • http://odayyousif.wordpress.com Oday Yousif

    Awesome I’m downloading it now.

  • Lee

    Hilarious! I can’t wait for the comments from people who take this one seriously. :-junman_au@yahoo.com.au

  • BetsyK

    How can they charge us and not give us anything? Why would anyone even sign up at the store?? I am not giving them any cc info. Can they do this through iTunes? Do I need to worry?

  • Jcon96

    Wow! This is incredible! I am going to applyfoa new credit card, just to take maximum advantage of this!

  • Jcon96

    Sorry, that should have been “apply for a” but I still cannot wait to be able to funnel every dime I have straight to Apple! Sorry my dear daughter, but your college tuition is heading to Mr. Jobs! This is even better than the recent trip I took to Chile to see the miracle of the toast. Great times indeed.

  • AFf

    Where’s the punch line?

  • Joe

    Duh.

  • MisterLucky

    Who needs a punch line when you’ve got a credit line! I’m signing up for the subscription service so I don’t miss payments when I travel.

  • MegaKrimpet

    I’m still hoping they partner with PayPal. I don’t want to have to screw around with credit cards. I want to know that Apple got the money directly from my bank account. Also, the article doesn’t mention anything about the optional AppleCare policy. Apparently, for an additional monthly fee, you can be secure in knowing that you will be able to continue to make payments even in the event of illness, unemployment, death, dismemberment, or other personal tragedy, such as keeping AT&T wireless service once Verizon starts offering iPhone plans.

  • http://blindlightbulb.tumblr.com James Wang

    Why doesn’t Apple accept human livers as a form of payment?!! Steve Jobs I blame you!

  • Lee

    Looks like someone managed to take this seriously before I even finished posting my comment! Congratulations BetsyK. :)

  • JoeShmo

    The verizon version of the iPhone is gonna suck….slow ass connection….cant talk and use data simultaneously(aka go online, download…) whats the point in having an iPhone if it doesnt have full functionality?

  • Xymox9

    I don’t know…like maybe being able to make a 5 minute phone call without getting disconnected three times? It is called an I-”Phone” after all, but sometimes AT&T customers forget that. :-)

  • pjesi

    Sorry but The App Store Express is not available in your country

  • Anonymous

    cool

  • Betsyisamuppet

    @BetsyK: You are not for real, are you?

  • Nuke

    I don’t have a valid Apple account as I have no credit card. Can I simply send them my paycheck if its counter signed. Do I make it out to Apple or Steve Jobs?

  • Anonymous

    LOL:)

  • andrew

    I just can’t wait for the App Store EXTREME!

  • Meh

    Perfect way to get rid of annoying two year olds

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1454860471 Angus Cumberlidge

    Does it accept blood transfers or unwanted body parts? I could give a kidney!

  • Jake

    Wow, just, wow…

  • Jake

    Look up “jail-breaking” my AT&T iPhone was woefully over engineered for the miserable restrictions placed on it by AT&T, after fifteen minutes and some cheering, I can do everything that AT&T says I can’t, give it two days and the Verizon customers will figure that out.

  • Karfrs

    Finally! Apple has made my day! Can’t wait to start using this! Now I don’t have to see that stinkin’ download screen anymore!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/shimandle Dan Shimandle

    CDMA tech can’t sent Voice and Data at the same time so even through Jail Break you will never be able to Talk and use data like GSM companies like At&t can.

  • Carlsb

    The Extreme version will be fab. Imagine having someone at apple HQ able to help you spend your hard earned $/£ by simply pressing a button. Gotta give it to them, they are great. Thank’s apple for helping take the strain from my hard / difficult choices. I want an apple personal shopper…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1205592329 Billy Chin

    Is this legal? Is this legal if they rename the “store” “PUT MONEY HERE”?

  • Blowjobboy

    @betsyk-stupid fucked up loser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • ilike

    This just dumb

  • Me

    BetsyK’s reaction, frankly is even funnier. LOL!

  • Ape of Wrath

    Don’t worry, BetsyK. The beauty of this wonderful service is that you don’t even need to sign up anymore. By commenting you give Apple the right to access ALL of you information and wallet funds. Thank you for your first transaction. We are looking forward to taking more of you money in the near future!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_QLVURF7DNXEXRZDHRIRQRL5B4Q Nick

    That’s why I still stick with AT&T

  • Chazzmundo

    Notice that the OP owns an Apple related product? Correlation anyone?

  • Eronz

    haha exactly.. u know these articles on scoopertino, always put that big smile on my face every time i digest ‘em.. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Maharshi-Bhattacharya/613508858 Maharshi Bhattacharya

    are you on drugs???

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Maharshi-Bhattacharya/613508858 Maharshi Bhattacharya

    EPIC!!

  • A guy

    In that case, greedy careworkers can empty carehomes

  • A guy

    Good idea. But careful not to get sued for abusing trademarks

  • http://www.facebook.com/veeyah.17 Veeyah Penero

    I used to worry that I wasn’t giving enough money for Apple products, but now, with the awesome new App Store Express, all my worries are gone. Looking forward to spending more! XD

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