Bill Gates predicts “Apple Rapture”: all Macs to explode in 2012

Redmond, WA — That end-of-the-world nonsense was just one big joke, says Microsoft founder Bill Gates.

“May 21st came and went, and I haven’t seen a single earthquake,” he says with a laugh.

Speaking in Seattle last night, Gates dismissed Rapture believers as “wackos in a bizarre cult.”

And then he dropped the bombshell.

“The real danger we face is the Apple Rapture,” he said. “Next May 21st, every iMac, iPod, iPhone and iPad is going to explode, and a lot of people will get hurt.”

According to Gates, this terrible fate is clearly spelled out in the 16th-century Prophecies of Nostradamus. He suggests that we enjoy Apple’s products for another year, or maybe 11 months just to be safe. But by early May 2012, we should all be using Windows 7 and Windows Phone 7 products — or face an agonizing death.

“It’s a matter of public safety,” said Gates. “We’re going to work with our partners to make sure everyone can use their PC without fear of being blown up.”

Afraid that Mac will blow up in your face? Acer to the rescue

Already, Acer has announced it will support Gates’ initiative with a Trash My Mac Before It Hurts Me promotion. Those who drop their Mac at any Microsoft Store will receive a $100 credit for an Acer Aspire M3 AM3900-U4002 tower. Acer will advertise its M3 as “the computer you can live with.”

Gates’ proclamation seems to have buoyed the PC faithful. “I knew Macs were going to destroy the world, I just knew it,” says Rick Venedian, president of the Seattle-based user group, PCs Forever. “I just hope Bill takes this all the way. This is his big chance to get rid of the stupid mouse and wussy graphics once and for all.”

Some critics believe Gates has already gone too far. In particular, they cite a leaked Microsoft commercial that shows a series of Macs exploding in the faces of happy users, all set to the tune of I’m a Believer.

Apple says Gates’ theory is preposterous. However, just to be safe, the Apple Store now offers RaptureCare ($99), guaranteeing replacement of any exploded Apple product through June 21st, 2012.

  • Wes

     I’d love to see apple products exploding. I’m super lucky I don’t own a single one.

  • THATguy

    You are even luckier that you are a troll

  • Patrick

    Drat. I just sold all my belongings, cashed out my retirement savings, sold the house, and used the money to buy a Mac Mini. Now they tell me it’s going to kill me. I wish Wes had been more outspoken about his situation, maybe like going around to random websites and leaving smug, self-congratulatory messages, so I could have realized the error of my ways.

    No wonder my wife divorced me.

  • ashu

    One of the people to be affected big time  would be Bill ‘ the rich ‘ Gates & Steve ‘ The dancer ‘ Ballmer cos secretly they all have ipods & imacs …  not Zune & Black towers PCs  as their prized possesions :D !!

  • Conor

    Maybe more like super jealous

  • noah

    Me too, i had a zune (until it got stolen, because it’s so great that even though there was an ipod in the neighboring car at my school the thief said NO i’ll steal the zune. (the ipod was safe. cuz its lame)) and the zune worked better than any other PMP i’ve used. and the advantages of PC over mac are obvious.

  • noah

    Me too, i had a zune (until it got stolen, because it’s so great that even though there was an ipod in the neighboring car at my school the thief said NO i’ll steal the zune. (the ipod was safe. cuz its lame)) and the zune worked better than any other PMP i’ve used. and the advantages of PC over mac are obvious.

  • Sythe99

    Fake.

  • Sythe99

    Fake.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gdmiczak Glenn P Dmiczak

    The whole site is fake stupid.

  • http://www.splasmata.com Terra

    Ha! “the computer you can live with.” Love it :) 

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  • http://jackyan.com Jack Yan

    Dammit, they are charging over $200 for RaptureCare in New Zealand. Damned profiteers!

  • Tom Spring51

    Well, I’d still rather die at the hands of my beloved mac and ipod than buy a zune!

  • Tom Spring51

    Well, I’d still rather die at the hands of my beloved mac and ipod than buy a zune!

  • Patrick

    I now Scoopertino is not a uhum real uhum source for your apple-news but this is TRUE!! U will see in 2012!

  • Fsheatuj

    NO! not the iWater!

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  • Audyo14

    aw crap i have an ipod and 2 imacs

  • Tywaryk

    I love my macbook pro. I got it after my windows 7 powered laptop couldn’t handle all my music software. So much happier now. At least if I die, I’m gonna die happily!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Maharshi-Bhattacharya/613508858 Maharshi Bhattacharya

    this site is fucking hilarious!! XD

  • Annoymous

    I hate apple. Is it just me that thinks Microsoft is better?

  • Anonymous

    Yes.

  • A guy

    Your mind thinks very differently to others

  • A guy

    Now you will have first hand experience of fukushima disaster

  • Man

    you do realize this isnt true….it even says at the bottom of the picture.

  • Obattisha

    or maybe its just wheatieboy that thinks that microsoft sucks.
                                                                                                         

  • Melanie

    You are all a bunch of douches who think that you’re funny.

  • ipodonlylooksgreat

    Zune was better than iPod, but Zune was without Apple, yes? So Zune is bad!!! Talking seriously, Microsoft nas Been seling portable Windows media devices, before ipod. Zune HD was better than iPod touch, when IT was released. The only problem was that Developers arent making many apps for zune, because not many zuned was selled, because people are thinking that Apple is “Great”

  • rogerdodger

    No doubt Scoopertino and its many fans are deeply hurt by your assessment.

  • The winner

    I love to watch you dumbass fanboys argue like you know something about either one :)

  • http://twitter.com/NeilBaner Neil Banerjee

    Too true.

  • Joseph Rizzo

    Dude the whole website is a joke.

  • Thomas Hendren

    This never happened! But prepare for the Microsoft Rapture on May 21st, 2013.