Philadelphia, PA — Tempted to refill that Apple Water container at the sink?
“Don’t even think about it,” says Apple.
With over 100 people in custody as the result of predawn raids today, Apple is hoping customers get the message loud and clear.
“Refilling your Apple Water container with unauthorized, third-party water is just plain illegal,” says Apple attorney Mason Morrison. “If you do the crime, you’ll do the time.”
Today’s raids were a joint effort of U.S. Department of Justice and Apple Security agents. All but one went smoothly.
In Philadelphia, the 7:00 am operation failed when agents found that their target — fourth-grader Annabelle Larkin — had left for school early. A warrant has been issued for her arrest.
In an open plea to Steve Jobs, the young fugitive’s father asked for leniency. “Please, Annabelle has a spelling bee next week,” he said. “We just want to get back to normal here.”
When she opened the container,” responds Morrison, “Annabelle entered into a legal agreement with Apple. There’s no hiding behind daddy.”
In addition to those abusing the Apple Water User Agreement, 34 counterfeiters were nailed in today’s raids. Their stockpiles of fake Apple Water were confiscated and put on display for reporters.
A shipment of fake Apple Water from China was visibly murky. Even worse, it had a nonfunctional temperature indicator and a twist-off cap that required a full 360-degree revolution to remove — literally four times the effort required by Apple’s QuarterTwist™ technology.
“As always, Apple strives to deliver the best user experience,” says Morrison. “If you want to take your chances with viruses and bacteria, by all means enjoy your refillable Google Water. Or wait a few years for Microsoft Water.”
Apple warns that there are other prohibited uses for the Apple-designed container besides unauthorized refills.
The User Agreement prohibits customers from using it to store oatmeal, M&Ms, soft drinks or alcoholic beverages. And it most certainly may not be used to make Fizzies of any flavor.
“When Apple Water remains pure,” explains Morrison, “we all win.”