Apple blasts into supermarkets with revolutionary Apple Water

Cupertino, CA — Step aside, Perrier. Prepare for oblivion, Poland Spring. After steamrolling the music player, smartphone and tablet markets, Apple is out to disrupt a whole new category.

A major ad campaign for Apple Water kicks off today (click to enlarge)

Today Apple announced Apple Water — a cool refreshment made for those willing to suspend all logic and pay the price for Apple’s lavish attention to quality and design.

“If you’ve been drinking the juice, you’re ready to drink the water,” proclaims Apple’s website.

Like iPod, iPhone and iPad, Apple Water is part of a closed ecosystem. By breaking the seal, you accept a User Agreement that prohibits refilling the container with tap water, spring water or any unauthorized third-party water.

Power users can quench their thirst with Apple Water Pro

“We’ve heard people say ‘there must be something in the water over there,'” said Apple spokesperson Lindsay Grebner, “and there is. We’re happy to share our water with fans all over the world.”

Apple Water is indeed an Apple-lover’s dream — pure, clean H2O, captured in Apple-designed containers from the central irrigation spigot at Apple’s corporate headquarters.

AAPL stock soared on the announcement today. Analyst Gene Munster of Piper Jaffray raised his target price to $500, noting the low cost of materials and customers “endless thirst and inscrutable need” for all things Apple. “Apple Water,” says Munster, “is somewhere between tap water and holy water.”

A 16-ounce container of Apple Water retails for $9.99. Apple Water Pro, a five-gallon jug, is only $49.99.

240 Comments

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  3. endinyal |

    And this just goes to show how the crybaby iHaters and trolls think. When you can’t beat them… insult them. Way to go 10-year-olds!!!

  4. Alex Mortlock |

    this would have been funnier has you called it iWater

  5. Mikey Ellis |

    we need water 2.0 now

  6. Rekha Rao |

    Hey Apple Water,
    If the water you put in your now famous bottles comes out of Lord Shiva’s head at the source of the Ganges river, it is worth every penny charged and will help mankind with the purity in it. Otherwise it is as good as tap water! and you may drink it all! I am good with DeerPark!
    Rekha Rao

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  8. Steve Jobs |

    Cases sold separately
    .

  9. Steve Jobs |

    Is this what Apple has become after my death. SMH.

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  11. Marie Kang |

    whoa…whoa..just whoa

  12. Data |

    Is there possibility of black version?

  13. Derek |

    dont buy it

  14. Guest |

    Screw You Just, Screw You.

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  16. Soham Mukherjee |

    This is DUMB, and I emphasize the word DUMB. Apple is just charging you 9x the price just for a water bottle. The jug is dumb. You can get 4 at walmart for the price of 1

    • TheLoneStranger |

      You are an IDIOT, and I emphasize the word IDIOT. Checked the masthead lately?

  17. SkippyThorson |

    This. Is. Brilliant!!!

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