Cupertino, CA — Expanding on the success of the nonexistent white iPhone, Apple today announced a new line of iPhones guaranteed not to ship in our lifetimes.
The white iPhone continues to lead the parade. But Apple now offers three new vaporous iPhones with a variety of theoretical features:
iPhone Atom. Nuclear powered, 100,000-year battery life.
iPhone Unicorn. 100% unicorn-horn surface.
iPhone Scotty. Beams the user to new locations, Star-Trek style.
Steve Jobs was all smiles at today’s announcement. “The only problem with the white iPhone was that we led people to believe it would ship,” he said. “We guarantee that these iPhones will never, ever see the light of day.”
Analyst reactions are generally positive. “iPhone 4 set sales records with a mythical white model in the mix,” says William Fivestall of UBS Securities. “With three new fictional models, Apple now has four more imaginary models than its nearest competitor.”
Merrill analyst Janice Bunning agrees. “Imaginary iPhones give Apple a huge advantage,” she says. “They require no investment in engineering, manufacturing, support or marketing.”
Meanwhile, Google is not sitting still. The Android-maker has been on a recruiting binge inside Microsoft, where so many have deep experience in imaginary products. Expect an epic battle for make-believe mindshare by summer 2011.
The new iPhones are available for pre-order today. Early orders qualify for free overnight shipping, with delivery guaranteed by the 12th of Never.