Apple launches new line of imaginary iPhones

Cupertino, CA — Expanding on the success of the nonexistent white iPhone, Apple today announced a new line of iPhones guaranteed not to ship in our lifetimes.

The white iPhone continues to lead the parade. But Apple now offers three new vaporous iPhones with a variety of theoretical features:

iPhone Atom. Nuclear powered, 100,000-year battery life.
iPhone Unicorn. 100% unicorn-horn surface.
iPhone Scotty. Beams the user to new locations, Star-Trek style.

Steve Jobs was all smiles at today’s announcement. “The only problem with the white iPhone was that we led people to believe it would ship,” he said. “We guarantee that these iPhones will never, ever see the light of day.”

Analyst reactions are generally positive. “iPhone 4 set sales records with a mythical white model in the mix,” says William Fivestall of UBS Securities. “With three new fictional models, Apple now has four more imaginary models than its nearest competitor.”

Merrill analyst Janice Bunning agrees. “Imaginary iPhones give Apple a huge advantage,” she says. “They require no investment in engineering, manufacturing, support or marketing.”

Meanwhile, Google is not sitting still. The Android-maker has been on a recruiting binge inside Microsoft, where so many have deep experience in imaginary products. Expect an epic battle for make-believe mindshare by summer 2011.

The new iPhones are available for pre-order today. Early orders qualify for free overnight shipping, with delivery guaranteed by the 12th of Never.

13 Comments

  1. jens |

    how many points will this announcement cost to Apple in Greenpeace’s scale
    http://www.greenpeace.org/international/en/campaigns/toxics/electronics/Guide-to-Greener-Electronics/?

  2. Joseph |

    XD wow…. i laughed sooo hard reading this

  3. James |

    Amazing work….totally made my day! Keep it up!

  4. Joe |

    I can’t wait for all the people who aren’t bright enough to realize that this is a humor site and start complaining that Unicorns are endangered…

  5. Tyler |

    @Joe Ya it’s funny how many people think that the “news” on this site is real, that’s half of the humor lol

  6. Patrick |

    Actually, there are some beta-type issues with iPhone Scotty (affectionately called the iScotty). If you hold it the wrong way, you get beamed to either a volcano or Bill Gates’ house.

    It’s rumored that Apple will be either recalling the iScotty or giving away a free “bumper”. The bumper doesn’t go around the phone, it goes around you. Lava proof to 570 degrees centigrade.

  7. Charlie |

    Lava proof but not Gates proof

  8. nl |

    Can someone tell me where i can buy the iScotty, or when is it available? I’ll like the free bumper too, i don’t want to go splashing into Lava because i have the habit of hugging the iphone, and i’m SURE it will affect the signal strength and teleport me to the destination which isn’t my choice.

  9. thealllooker |

    look at the right corner ist says
    “estimated shipping date:
    12th of never”:)

  10. Abramsm79 |

    I’ll will like the iPhone atom for my 4th world country, we dont have electricity, please apple can we be your beta tester on this one,we dont have much expectations about the world so the Scotty one will not work, to travel a donkey will do, and the unicorn one, well we have our spirits to give us luck so we dont need that either, just the atom please.

  11. zifis |

    I’m pretty sure I’ve also heard about “iphone jedi” powered by the force and controlled by a single tap app! Available 02-29-2???

  12. Michael Stickel |

    I particularly enjoy the fine print underneath the iPhone Scotty.

    “*WiFi connection required. Not responsible for incorrectly reassembled body parts.”

  13. The? |

    Sadly the 64gb model is STILL imaginary.

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