Pre-dawn raids across U.S. nab over 100 Apple Water violators

Philadelphia, PA — Tempted to refill that Apple Water container at the sink?

“Don’t even think about it,” says Apple.

With over 100 people in custody as the result of predawn raids today, Apple is hoping customers get the message loud and clear.

“Refilling your Apple Water container with unauthorized, third-party water is just plain illegal,” says Apple attorney Mason Morrison. “If you do the crime, you’ll do the time.”

Today’s raids were a joint effort of U.S. Department of Justice and Apple Security agents. All but one went smoothly.

In Philadelphia, the 7:00 am operation failed when agents found that their target — fourth-grader Annabelle Larkin — had left for school early. A warrant has been issued for her arrest.

In an open plea to Steve Jobs, the young fugitive’s father asked for leniency. “Please, Annabelle has a spelling bee next week,” he said. “We just want to get back to normal here.”

Buyer beware: fake Apple Water confiscated in today's raids (click to enlarge)

When she opened the container,” responds Morrison, “Annabelle entered into a legal agreement with Apple. There’s no hiding behind daddy.”

In addition to those abusing the Apple Water User Agreement, 34 counterfeiters were nailed in today’s raids. Their stockpiles of fake Apple Water were confiscated and put on display for reporters.

A shipment of fake Apple Water from China was visibly murky. Even worse, it had a nonfunctional temperature indicator and a twist-off cap that required a full 360-degree revolution to remove — literally four times the effort required by Apple’s QuarterTwist™ technology.

“As always, Apple strives to deliver the best user experience,” says Morrison. “If you want to take your chances with viruses and bacteria, by all means enjoy your refillable Google Water. Or wait a few years for Microsoft Water.”

Apple warns that there are other prohibited uses for the Apple-designed container besides unauthorized refills.

The User Agreement prohibits customers from using it to store oatmeal, M&Ms, soft drinks or alcoholic beverages. And it most certainly may not be used to make Fizzies of any flavor.

“When Apple Water remains pure,” explains Morrison, “we all win.”

 

23 Comments

  1. ParnassusJelly |

    That’s stupid. They can’t stop us from refilling water bottles. What is Apple’s problem? Ugh.

  2. freeDamnation |

    ParnassusJelly. This is fake, chill dude.

    • ApplewaterFan |

      What? Its fake? Phew! I was so scared when i saw this! I refilled my water bottle this morning! 😉

  3. concrete |

    this is the best you can do? Common I am not a PC user!

  4. Juanjhs |

    Annabelle totally deserves being arrested, she is violating the user agreement… i’m with Apple and it’s lawyers

  5. Adam |

    I’m holding out for Google’s water. The cap stays open and lets me fill the bottle with whatever I want. I can also choose from multiple shaped bottles and multiple flavors of water. Open always wins!

    • Eve |

      Typical mindless comment from a Google waterboy on an Apple list. Don’t you know that Raindroid is just a cheap knock-off of Apple water with a distinctly metallic taste. In Apple’s case, Steve Jobs was actually the inventor of water, having got the idea from something he saw at Pool’o Alto. So go get your own Googertino, yer troll!

      • Adam |

        Jobs may have invented water, but Google improved upon it with their own Mountain-view-fresh source (with a touch of Honey). This was the first water designed from the ground up with bottles in mind. Everyone knows that Apple’s bottle is just a large cup.

        How is Apple going to compete with the hundreds of bottles that will be coming out this year, all filled with Google’s honey-water?

        • PeaceBaby |

          I thought Al Gore invented water.

          • Anonymous |

            I like the Google-water because it’s open. That way anyone can put anything in your water. It reminds me of the 70’s, following the Grateful Dead, turn on, tune in, drop out. Open always wins.

          • Ape of Wrath |

            No, just the internets

  6. SomeDave |

    We laugh now, but 20 years later when it’s true we cry!

  7. Gman |

    this is funny i wonder why there haven’t been any hackers

  8. Ramon |

    I should have known my Apple water took too long to open now I’m in Jail 🙁

    -Sent from my iPhone.

  9. Μανόλης Κάλτσος |

    In the original Article about Apple water, It says ” Just Add Water”. Should we?

  10. Anonymous |

    So I guess the rumor of a bootcamp version of Apple water bottle that let you fill half the bottle with MS juice is fake

  11. Keaton Webb |

    Silly ten year olds trying to jailbreak Apple Water… when will they ever learn?

  12. Spring Bloom |

    It’s really sad how kids think they can get away with doing whatever they want, as if the rules don’t apply to them. First they are refilling their bottles; next they are filling their gas tanks with ethanol. Where will it end?

  13. Dominique Blatt |

    Interesting, I have the right to refill my plastic Apple bottle. They can’t stop me.

  14. Ivan Prince Tuor |

    Im just surprised the body is not unibody aluminium

  15. Dylan Robinson |

    She deserves to be arrested…. and punished by life in prison. Mess with Apple? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ANNABELLE?! Go to time-out…. FOREVER!

Leave a Reply