Cupertino, CA — Fear stalks the halls of Apple corporate headquarters today as an out-of-control Steve Jobs robot wreaks havoc, despite efforts to shut it down.
RoboJobs was designed to lighten the CEO’s ever-expanding workload, taking over such mundane tasks as answering customer emails and firing people.
The unit was declared fail-safe before activation. However, as proven in Jurassic Park, chaos theory rules.
RoboJobs performed flawlessly for a full month. It authored recent emails attributed to Steve Jobs, presided over an Apple board meeting and spent quality time with the Jobs children. But it was all downhill from there. RoboJobs began to heap abuse upon executives in meetings and randomly slip into Terminator mode, firing anyone it passed in the hall.
Since these behaviors seemed within acceptable Steve parameters, they went largely unreported. However, after 142 people were terminated in a two-hour period last Friday, including General Counsel Bruce Sewell, security was notified. Apple quickly went into lockdown.
212 people have now been confirmed dismissed by RoboJobs, and officials fear the toll could go higher.
Steve Jobs was reportedly so angry with the engineers who created the mechanoid, he tried to fire them — only to discover RoboJobs had beaten him to the punch.
Apple is cooperating with local authorities to find a way to shut down the synthetic Steve before it escapes into the wild. “We can’t possibly let it out into the current economy,” explains Santa Clara County Sheriff Laurie Smith, “there are already way too many people out of work.”
Deactivating RoboJobs is a technical challenge. Pressing its power button is simple enough, but the robot will fire anyone who crosses its defense perimeter. A group of still-employed Apple engineers are racing the clock to develop a fire-resistant suit that will enable them to pierce RoboJobs’ personal space and still keep their jobs.
Customer Service has offered to replace the malfunctioning unit if it can be captured, as it does have six months remaining on AppleCare.