Apple blasts into supermarkets with revolutionary Apple Water

Cupertino, CA — Step aside, Perrier. Prepare for oblivion, Poland Spring. After steamrolling the music player, smartphone and tablet markets, Apple is out to disrupt a whole new category.

A major ad campaign for Apple Water kicks off today (click to enlarge)

Today Apple announced Apple Water — a cool refreshment made for those willing to suspend all logic and pay the price for Apple’s lavish attention to quality and design.

“If you’ve been drinking the juice, you’re ready to drink the water,” proclaims Apple’s website.

Like iPod, iPhone and iPad, Apple Water is part of a closed ecosystem. By breaking the seal, you accept a User Agreement that prohibits refilling the container with tap water, spring water or any unauthorized third-party water.

Power users can quench their thirst with Apple Water Pro

“We’ve heard people say ‘there must be something in the water over there,’” said Apple spokesperson Lindsay Grebner, “and there is. We’re happy to share our water with fans all over the world.”

Apple Water is indeed an Apple-lover’s dream — pure, clean H2O, captured in Apple-designed containers from the central irrigation spigot at Apple’s corporate headquarters.

AAPL stock soared on the announcement today. Analyst Gene Munster of Piper Jaffray raised his target price to $500, noting the low cost of materials and customers “endless thirst and inscrutable need” for all things Apple. “Apple Water,” says Munster, “is somewhere between tap water and holy water.”

A 16-ounce container of Apple Water retails for $9.99. Apple Water Pro, a five-gallon jug, is only $49.99.

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  • Arun Mathai Abraham

    wat kind of company r u..?? get ready to get sued by everyone nd even by god…. i suggest u stop this madness nd stop suing Samsung…..

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  • cat b.

    this just reminds me of men selling water near the highway exits when times get rough…lol!

  • http://twitter.com/mayooresan Mayooresan

    And everytime you drink iWater, it’ll be synced to your FB timeline. Let the world know that you drink premium water with style.

    I love trolling apple <3

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  • KJeih

    lol

  • http://www.facebook.com/abby.rommel Abigail Rommel

    Hahaha!!! That’s rich!

  • endinyal

    And this just goes to show how the crybaby iHaters and trolls think. When you can’t beat them… insult them. Way to go 10-year-olds!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jim.allshouse.58 Jim Allshouse

    well not at first. I heard that it is going to be proprietary to the iMouth for 2 years till Verizon has a compatible version.

  • Alex Mortlock

    this would have been funnier has you called it iWater

  • The_Skellitor301

    iWather is a hacked version made by scammers. you should really try to stay with registered iProduct retailers.

  • http://twitter.com/rmellis360 Mikey Ellis

    we need water 2.0 now

  • Rekha Rao

    Hey Apple Water,
    If the water you put in your now famous bottles comes out of Lord Shiva’s head at the source of the Ganges river, it is worth every penny charged and will help mankind with the purity in it. Otherwise it is as good as tap water! and you may drink it all! I am good with DeerPark!
    Rekha Rao

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  • Steve Jobs

    Cases sold separately
    .

  • Steve Jobs

    Is this what Apple has become after my death. SMH.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/marie.kang.73 Marie Kang

    whoa…whoa..just whoa

  • Data

    Is there possibility of black version?

  • Derek

    dont buy it

  • omats

    COOL……lol

  • omats

    yeah…that was before windows 8.0 H20

  • omats

    yeah ..tru

  • omats

    iSip is cool

  • mik

    hahaha . epic m/

  • nr

    ruuuuuumourr

  • Guest

    Screw You Just, Screw You.

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  • Soham Mukherjee

    This is DUMB, and I emphasize the word DUMB. Apple is just charging you 9x the price just for a water bottle. The jug is dumb. You can get 4 at walmart for the price of 1

  • TheLoneStranger

    You are an IDIOT, and I emphasize the word IDIOT. Checked the masthead lately?

  • SkippyThorson

    This. Is. Brilliant!!!