Apple to use press conference to alter time and space, eliminate iPhone problem

Cupertino, CA — According to sources, Apple will not only stun the audience at Friday’s press conference, it will make them disappear — along with all traces that iPhone’s antenna problem ever existed.

Steve Jobs will use the occasion to introduce Time Machine Pro. Slightly larger than Apple’s original wireless backup disk, Time Machine Pro takes backup to a whole new level. It allows the user to revert to a previous version of the disk — and/or everything around it. It’s all controlled with a simple iPad app.

“When Steve told his engineers to make the iPhone problem go away, they took him literally,” says a staffer close to the project. “This thing is awesome.”

Unfortunately, Apple needs to rewind time a bit more than one might expect. Going back to June 24th would allow them to make a better response to the iPhone crisis, but would not fix the problem itself. Engineers requested a May 1st backup date to perfect the new antenna coating.

Time Machine Pro: enjoy it while you can, because tomorrow you won't remember it (click to enlarge)

However, Gray Powell, the engineer who made himself famous by leaving his iPhone prototype in a bar, petitioned Steve for an April 1st date in order that he might get his life back. Steve approved, although he was tempted to go back to Gray’s hire date instead.

This started a deluge of requests from assorted Apple engineers and designers, all eager to erase their past sins — from the “hockey-puck” mouse in 1998 to the Power Mac G4 Cube in 2000. But Steve was adamant about focusing on iPhone.

“Steve won’t mess too much with the space-time continuum,” says our source, “he doesn’t want to take a chance on turning us all into apes or lizards.”

When Steve powers up Time Machine Pro tomorrow, the plan is to send us all hurtling back to March 3rd. We’re told it will be relatively painless, with only a slight dizzying effect. No use writing down stock prices or sports scores, since time reversion is total.

In fact, there is no use publishing this article, as it will cease to exist tomorrow sometime between 10:00 and 11:00 am. But thank you for reading, and we hope you enjoy the launch of Scoopertino on March 30th.