Apple to use press conference to alter time and space, eliminate iPhone problem

Cupertino, CA — According to sources, Apple will not only stun the audience at Friday’s press conference, it will make them disappear — along with all traces that iPhone’s antenna problem ever existed.

Steve Jobs will use the occasion to introduce Time Machine Pro. Slightly larger than Apple’s original wireless backup disk, Time Machine Pro takes backup to a whole new level. It allows the user to revert to a previous version of the disk — and/or everything around it. It’s all controlled with a simple iPad app.

“When Steve told his engineers to make the iPhone problem go away, they took him literally,” says a staffer close to the project. “This thing is awesome.”

Unfortunately, Apple needs to rewind time a bit more than one might expect. Going back to June 24th would allow them to make a better response to the iPhone crisis, but would not fix the problem itself. Engineers requested a May 1st backup date to perfect the new antenna coating.

Time Machine Pro: enjoy it while you can, because tomorrow you won't remember it (click to enlarge)

However, Gray Powell, the engineer who made himself famous by leaving his iPhone prototype in a bar, petitioned Steve for an April 1st date in order that he might get his life back. Steve approved, although he was tempted to go back to Gray’s hire date instead.

This started a deluge of requests from assorted Apple engineers and designers, all eager to erase their past sins — from the “hockey-puck” mouse in 1998 to the Power Mac G4 Cube in 2000. But Steve was adamant about focusing on iPhone.

“Steve won’t mess too much with the space-time continuum,” says our source, “he doesn’t want to take a chance on turning us all into apes or lizards.”

When Steve powers up Time Machine Pro tomorrow, the plan is to send us all hurtling back to March 3rd. We’re told it will be relatively painless, with only a slight dizzying effect. No use writing down stock prices or sports scores, since time reversion is total.

In fact, there is no use publishing this article, as it will cease to exist tomorrow sometime between 10:00 and 11:00 am. But thank you for reading, and we hope you enjoy the launch of Scoopertino on March 30th.


  1. Tristan Thomas |

    Its about time. I have been waiting for a solution that did not require me to spend my money to fix something that was not even my fault.

    I doubt that they will give us announce a free case as a solution later today but I pretty much know how things are going to happen tomorrow. I read an article at that spoke about it. You should check it out.

  2. Mac the Laugh |

    Thanks Scoopertino, we need your gentle reminders to just lighten up a bit.

    We may need to regress back a bit before March 3rd, 2010 to stop all of the stupid flame wars, but it will certainly help a bit.

    As an old timer, I remember when the tech. community was a close knit bunch of comrades in code who would not just give you the time of day but would go to enormous lengths to help each other out. I miss those days.

    Now it seems that the friendly and collaborative community I once knew has factionalised into a bunch of tribalistic, one-eyed football supporters that just want to tear strips off each other and arrogantly trash talk over any attempt at reasoned discussion.

  3. Elliot Rosewater |

    To Mac the Laugh:
    It’s that kind comment makes me puke! You old timerz – FARTS – always being faboiz cant understand thiings have change. if not your idea of better then to bad. You talk about “tribalistic” is just racist and thats NFG anymore. You shuld be ashamed how you trying to keep everything the same and never listen to another POV. Why dont you just DIE! The we’ll be better of witout you.

  4. Mac the Laugh |

    To Elliot Rosewater:

    I quite understand your irritation with old timers. After all we have so many advantages that you missed out on. We can spell, we can articulate an argument, we are capable of rational and reasoned debate, and we don’t have potty mouths.

    No wonder you’re angry. It must be so frustrating being in your head and knowing that even were it possible for you to think of something intelligent to contribute, having the basic communication skills to actually express that thought would still be beyond you.

  5. The Jesus |

    To Elliot: Keepin’ it classy.

  6. Mac the Laugh |

    @Mario Bitensky:

    You got me there Mario, I’m very familiar with a fictional Kurt Vonnegut character called “Eliot Rosewater”, but I have no idea where “Elliot Rosewater” comes from?

  7. Worker |

    Hola, – da mejor. Guardar va!


  8. Pingback: Apple to use press conference to alter time and space, eliminate iPhone problem // blog // tiredbees by James Balderson

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